Insurance

Okay, I am unemployeed with 2 children. Yes, I am engaged but not married.  I applied for government insurance and I received a call today regarding my application. Due to my child support which the state considers "income". I am over qualified due to my income by .39 a month. Yes, that is correct .39 a month. So, now it's a trip to the Health Dept for an exam, mammogram, sonogram, and then the biopsy for me, "to pay out of pocket". Then if the biopsy comes back malignant (cancerous) then they will assist me in getting insurance. If I could afford insurance or these test I wouldn't have applied for help. I'm expected to pay for all of this out of my pocket with the additional .39 a month I make?? I am discouraged by our Government. I am an intelligent, college graduate, mom of 2, who needs help. So, why is it they are willing to do this to a mother? Discouraged, I continue thru my day trying to figure this out. I get my kids from school, help with homework, feed them dinner, and take them to church. I take the time to try and collect myself before they get out of Wednesday night service. It didn't work. I ended coming home and looking at pictures on the internet of women that have had a mysectomy. THE WORST THING I COULD EVER DO!! I can't get those pictures out of my mind. I think to myself, what will my children do if I am not  here, what will my fiance' do if I am not here?? I will look like a monster. How will I ever become intimate with my fiance' again? Insurance, Insurance... (.39) is all it would take. Is this fair?? I think not but again I am Byass.

MY LIFE

My name is Stephanie, I am 28 years old and I have 5 children total. I have my son Jacob who is 10, Katrina 9, Alexis 8, Nannon 7, and Leila who is 5. I am engaged to the Love Of My Life, Michael Parker. He has 3 beautiful daughters Katrina, Nannon and Leila. My life finally feels complete and full of purpose. I am writing this blog to hopefully help other people who may find their selves in the position I have. If your friends of mine there is things in here that you may not know. So, please keep your mind and heart open.

I was born in Rock Island, Il in 1982. I have been raised in Georgia since I was 2 years old. My mom was married at the time to my Step Dad who at times treated me as his wife. He wouldn't work and my mom was having to raise all 4 of us kids by working 2 shifts at Goodyear. Finally, after 7 years of marriage she decides to leave him. As, my mom, brother, and me pack up and are leaving while he is finally at work. My step brother, Tommy looks at my mom and begs for her to take him. She wants to but she can't by law. He pleads with her that he will leave and move in with his mother and will die. Which at the age of 16 he was Murdered while serving time in Joliet Prison. Well, after we left we moved in with friends of my mom's. Which of course he found us and it wasn't so nice. She didn't go back to him even after all the promises and roses. She continued her journey on with out him. She found and fell in love with the man I call "DAD". They were married when I was 11 and it's the best move I could ever ask for. I have gained a sister, who is also my Best Friend.

So, new chapter Right? We all thought so. I was a typical girl. I loved hanging out with my friends, family and loved going to school. My sister was a senior in High School  and engaged to the love of her life with a beautiful little girl on the way. I thought life was great until 2 weeks before my 14th birthday. My parents and I had just gotten back from Illinois visiting my grandparents. I went to school the following day not really feeling so well. The nurse at school called my parents who then called my brother to pick me up. When he showed it was him and his Best Friend. They took me home and I was burning up so I changed into pajama shorts and a t-shirt. Went into the kitchen to grab me something to drink before laying down. There was his Best Friend standing in the kitchen. I asked, "where did my brother go". He stated, " He went to go borrow a tool from a friend and will be back shortly".  He picked me up and put me on the counter and held my hands behind my back. Yes, he raped me. Then stated he would kill me and my family if I ever told anyone. So, of course scared for me and my family I didn't. Not for 6 weeks. He kept coming around and hanging out with my brother and acting like nothing had happened except for the occasional slip of the hand or grab of my butt. Well, I couldn't take it anymore and my parents knew something was wrong. Of course, I had all this hatred, confusion, scared, and trauma going on in my head. I felt ashamed that I should of done something to stop him. Deep down I knew there was nothing I could have done but admitting that to my self was easier said then done. I had gone shoe shopping with my mom one evening and I had a huge attitude. Worse then the typical teenager. So, we got into a heated argument and went home where it continued on. The next thing I know I am shouting at the top of my lungs, "HE RAPED ME". Immediately cops where called and my brother and sister was ordered to come home.

That is when Hell began for me.  I was taken the next day to have test done and photographed everywhere you could think. I was no longer a Virgin. He stole that from me. He was then arrested for Statutory Rape. My life Caved In. Him and his family stalked me for 6 months of my life. The most horrifying 6 months I could ever imagine. They would ride by our house and at night go by our windows and shine their flashlights. Just to make sure that I got their message, "They Knew I Told". It continued to escalate from there. They got a gun and shot buck shots in my parents camper to scare me which it did. Next, my brother, his girlfriend at the time and I were headed to go get something to eat and they ran us off the road. We kept going and he kept following till we could get to a public place. We called the cops and he was later charged with 3 counts Terroristic Threats and 3 counts of Aggravated Assault. Well, court was the following month and the last 5 months had felt like a lifetime. The night before court, I couldn't sleep I was in my sister's room just watching TV and the next thing we hear is gun shoots going off and all I could think of was my dog. I ran out to check on him and he had attacked the Rapist Brother. I honestly think he saved my life that night. At this point, the entire house was awake and couldn't sleep. Police escort the next day to court. We show up and he is found guilty on 3 Charges of Rape, (ya 3, I wasn't his first victim) I was just the first to tell. 3 counts of Terroristic Threats and 3 counts of Aggravated Assault. He wasn't there he was running. So, I was ordered to go home until I got the phone call from the DA's office. While waiting at the house surrounded by cops, I get the call my ex-step-brother had just been killed in prison. I was devastated. Can you blame me? I couldn't even stand. Then an hour or so later we get the call. They had found him not too far from my house. They were on their way to court and wanted to know if I wanted to be there for sentencing. I stated, "Yes, I need some kind of closure to this". They awaited my arrival, when I got there they were ready. He was sentenced to 15 years, 3 incarceration and 12 probation. You tell me after 3 charges he should only serve 3? Not enough but that is the law. I watched as they put the handcuffs on him and heard the metal clasp together. I reminded the DA there is something that I wanted to say to him before they took him. I stated starring face to face with my Assaulter, "What made you think you had the right to take the one thing that was sacred? What made you think you could tear my life apart and harass my family?" He replied, "It was good," I replied, "I forgive you. I have to in order to take back control of my life".  So, the next year was nothing but counseling and taking control of life.

At 15, I was back to the normal as much as possible. A 15 year old with a better out look on life. Riding around town I found the man I now call my Fiance'. Granted we didn't stay together then. He joined the Military and I was young and couldn't wait. Started hanging out with friends and getting out of the house. I found the person I thought was perfect for me. I learned then, he was Perfect at the time. We got engaged and then Parker shows up at my door in uniform. He was back in town on Home Town Recruit. We talked for a bit and he left. I swore to my self then. If he ask me to stop my engagement or tells me his feelings I will stop this wedding. I never heard from him again. I was Married on Sept 4, 1999 ( I was 16) and on May 27, 2000 (I was 17) I gave birth to my first child. A beautiful baby boy named Jacob. His dad and I just couldn't see eye to eye on things and we were way to young. So, we split. It was best for all 3 of us to go our seperate ways. We realized that later on. People come in out of your life for a reason. His was for our Son. Who is the most amazing little man I could ever ask for.

I started dating again, seeing an old friend of mine. He was everything I thought I wanted and we were great together. He was an amazing male figure to my son. He adored me which is something I had never experienced before. We immediately knew what we both wanted and that was to be a family. I let my heart Jump with out my mind catching up. I was 18 years old with a 9 month old son. I ended up pregnant and had a miscarriage. I started spotting and went to the Dr. he stated I would never be able to carry a child because my body had been thru so much with my first pregnancy. He immediately asked me to marry him and I told him No. I wasn't going to have him stuck with me and him not able to have no children of his own. We continued trying and after 4 more miscarriages, I was pregnant. I was at high risk pregnancy and couldn't do a whole lot of anything and had a 2 year old running around. Completely impossible. At 20 weeks, he had taken me out on the town and then back to place where we first met years earlier for the first time. He got down on 1 knee and asked one more time, "Will You Marry ME"? I replied yes. We were married a few weeks later. We had our financial struggles but we made it. Then only 16 months after giving birth to my beautiful baby girl Alexis. I got the call. The call everyone dreds from their Dr. you and your husband need to come into my office immediately. We get there and instead of going into a patient room we get led to his office. Mrs. Ledford, "You have Stage 4 Cancer". Feeling Scared and Helpless with a family. Our response, "what do we do"? He replies, You have to have surgery and hopefully remove all of it. So, the day after my 21st birthday. I am in the hospital having a "Total Vaginal Hysterectomy". At the age of 21, I couldn't make the decision on my own if I wanted anymore children. It was decided for me. Yet, another thing taken from underneath me. I get robbed of celebrating my 21st birthday with friends and family. I get robbed of having anymore children. I get thru it stronger of a woman than I was before. We make it thru together and he finally, landed the job he had always wanted. I helped him study for his exams and next thing you know he is Superintendent of a water/sewer company. We saved our money up and was doing great over the next several years. We finally had enough money to put down on our first house. He closed on our first house on March 31, 2006. On April 1, 2006 he was gone. MIA (missing in action) for months. After the first 3 months, the housed was foreclosed on and we had no where to go. We were homeless, me and my 2 kids. I don't know what I would have done without OUR families. They helped me get the money up  and got us an apartment. Come September, he starts popping up and leaving again. Finally, I was tired of it and it took everything I had but on New Year's Eve I told him as he was leaving us once again for the woman whom had tore our family apart. "Where ever you are at midnight is where you want to be" don't come back after. He had been cheating on me for several months for a woman at work whose my mom's age and grandchildren are my kid's age. Talk about a self-esteem downer!! I served him with Divorce Papers on February 14, 2007 on his Job Site in Greenville, SC.  Divorce Papers seeking full physical Custody of our daughter. Later that year in October my divorce was Final and I was privileged to get full physical custody of my little girl. 

Finally, after waiting a year for him to come back I got my divorce and my babies. Living the single parent dream. Me and my kids against the world. "Here we come". Well, then I get on Myspace one day and there I see Parker. I hesitated didn't know what to do. Finally, I sent him a message and he responded. We were both in shock I think. Now, 2 1/2 years later here we are. I huge combo family with a lot of love. I couldn't ask for a better partner or kids, family or friends then I have now. You realize over time who your true friends are and which one's aren't. God always has his plans laid out for you and even though you may have freewill. He knows what your going to pick before you do. That is why, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. I have been thru more in the 28 years then most could imagine in a life time. So, I guess I am SUPERWOMAN....I wish. I love my family and friends and for those who have stuck by me thru thick and think..I say, Thank you and you don't know how much this really means to me. For those, who come into my life and left. Thank you, you made me realize what I deserve. I am not a victim but a survivor. May All Your Dreams Come True and God Bless.

Battle's

Well, it's 2:17am and I am wide awake and haven't gone to sleep yet. My mind wondering and scared of what my future may hold...Will it be Short and Sweet or Long and Full Filled??? That is the question today. This is a battle I have faced before almost 9 years ago just in a different form. I love where I am in my life, family, friends, spirtually and soulfully. I couldn't ask to be in a better place. I have little Drama in my life. Which no matter who you are you can't have Drama Free and be sociable. So, even though there are people I miss but don't speak to because of it I am at Peace In My Life. I'm now waiting and wondering what the decision will be in 44 days to what my future may hold. It's been along time since I have been this scared. I have never been this Scared and at the same time be at Peace. It's a strange feeling. I kiss my daughter good-bye to go see her other Earthly Angels and then off to dinner with my, Earthly Angel (Parker), Intelligent Niece, and the 3 sense of humors God has blessed me with. I wonder what and how will this effect them if this Battle becomes Short and Sweet? How will my other 2 blessings deal with this? How will my Foundation of Surrounding Angels be? I look at my life and I see the Battle's I have over come and the Stronge, Confident, Caring and Loving Woman I am, possibly need to be any stronger? hint..hint.."What doesn't kill you makes you stronger"!! (lol)  I lay in the bed and look at my Handsome Fiance' and think "man how did I get so lucky"? This is the man of my dreams. I get up go upstairs and look at the 3 most beautiful daughters I have gained and think "man, God has a sense of humor". God put me in my place and man was he ever right. A mother of 2 going to a mother of 5?? Wow!! I come back down stairs to sit, think and write this blog. My mind won't stop wondering, this Battle, this Disease I have inside is heart wrentching. Not to me but to my children, family and friends. Wondering on this thing called, "Results" for almost 2 months is detramental. With the "Grace of God" and the people beside me I will be fighting this for a reason. I will not go down without a fight and I will not go down with out God by side. The people I have by my side are the same people I know will never leave. And for that I am GRATEFUL!!!